They say it takes a village to raise a child. Anyone who has raised kids knows that’s true, but that doesn’t mean that the villagers always make it easier. A village is full of people who have different perspectives, different expectations of right and wrong, and different rules and procedures. During the holidays, we spend a lot of time with people that our children aren’t as used to and people that aren’t as used to our children.
There are also going to be a lot of people who are not quite as comfortable around a child with autism. Maybe they haven’t had a lot of experience or maybe they don’t really understand what autism is. Either way, it can be a big challenge for a couple of reasons. One, preparing your child for these new expectations, and two, having someone who really doesn’t understand your kid trying to parent them.
Today, let’s talk about ways that you can help ensure that family time this holiday season goes as smoothly as possible.
Preparing Your Child
This may sound a little repetitive if you’ve read our other blogs, but the most helpful thing you can do to prepare for new situations with your child is to practice, practice, practice. Here are some things you can do:
- Write a social story. This doesn’t have to be complicated or written beautifully. Based on what you know about the person/people you will be seeing, write a little story about a child who encounters them and their specific behaviors. Write about the ideal response to those situations. This will help frame what is about to happen. Read the story together regularly before your visit.
- Talk, talk, and talk again. Have conversations with your kiddo. Explicitly state what you expect to happen and how you want them to respond. For example, “Aunt Jane doesn’t allow shoes in the house so we will take our shoes off when we get inside.” Then practice it at your own house. Or “Grandma doesn’t like the word ‘stupid’ so we need to stop saying it for awhile.”
- Pretend play. Play a game with your kiddo in which you exhibit some of the behaviors you might be expecting from the other people. This is a great way to see what your child’s initial reactions might be, then helping them figure out another way of approaching it.
- Have a plan for when things don’t go well. Even with practice, unexpected events can throw a big wrench in your plans. So talk to the family and have a plan for what to do if your kiddo gets overwhelmed, gets redirected in a way he/she doesn’t like, or is upset. There’s nothing wrong with stepping outside for a walk, going to the car, or finding a quiet room. Whatever your child needs to de-escalate.
The more you make your kiddo aware of the expectations and practice them, the easier this process will be. It won’t be perfect, but that’s ok!
Preparing the Village
Our big advice here is to prepare the people you are going to see the same way you are preparing your child. We’re not asking you to go pretend play with your Uncle, but it can’t hurt to explain the expectations ahead of time.
A conversation is best, but if there are going to be a lot of people at an event, an email or printed note explaining some things can go a long way. You may have to explain some simple truths that have become second nature to you, and while that might be frustrating, it’s better to get ahead of those things. For example, you can say something like, “Tony doesn’t like loud noises so if there happens to be one, he might get upset. For him, upset looks like (blank) and (blank).”
Being totally up front about what might happen will help those who aren’t used to being around kids with autism. Making the unexpected behaviors a little more expected will put everyone at ease.
Preparing Yourself
Here’s the bad news. No matter how much you prepare your kiddo, no matter how much you prepare the people you are going to see, something could still happen that causes frustration. When it comes to family gatherings, that should almost be expected.
So what should you do? The same thing you’re doing for everyone else. Practice!
You can’t help what other people say and do. Maybe they make a rude comment, maybe they try to tell you how to parent your child. Whatever the situation may be, have a plan for how you’re going to handle it. Practice a phrase you might use. Something like, “I appreciate your suggestion, and I will do my best to try it when things are less hectic.” Again, there’s no predicting everything, but having a few phrases in your pocket never hurts.
You should also have a plan for what you need to do to de-escalate yourself in case someone says or does something that makes your blood boil. Just like with your kiddo, there’s nothing wrong with stepping outside or going for a walk.
The holidays can be super stressful, but with a little practice, a little patience, and a little luck, you can make them a little easier. A positive attitude goes a long way, and the more you prepare the easier it will be to feel good about going into this crazy time of year. If you want more help, you can always reach out to us at The Helm!